You Can Never Go Home Again
by Cinty
Summary: Pacey returns to Capeside 2 1/2 after he left.
1. Chapter 1

I fling my backpack over my shoulder and climb out of the boat and look around. Yup same old Capeside. If I squint hard enough I can almost see her.  
  
I think I'm in love with you   
  
You think, or you know?   
  
I haven't talked to her since the day I left; 2 1/2 years ago. But I've thought about her everyday since I left. She's been in all my thoughts, conscious and subconscious. I keep thinking about her out at Worthington. Wondering if she has a boyfriend, if she has tons of friends, if she's finally learned to let herself loose a little, if she's with Dawson. I could handle her being with anyone, anyone but him.   
  
I decide to stop by Doug's first. Maybe because I know he reached out to me right before I left, and I was too damn pigheaded to take what he was offering. He was always trying to help me, and I covered up my need for it with sarcasm and jokes. He's the first one I owe an apology to. She's the second.  
  
I knock on the door, surprised at my nervousness. He's my brother, I mean, nothing to be nervous about. A young blonde woman sticks her head cautiously out the door.   
  
"Can I help you?" she asks.  
  
"Is Doug here?" I asked. No way he's shacking up with this girl!  
  
She shakes her head confused. "Doug Witter? He hasn't lived here in, what like, 2 years?"  
  
"Oh, um... right, I'm sorry to have bothered you," I smile apologetically. So maybe some things have changed in the last couple years. Guess that means I can't procrastinate the inevitable. No; not Joey yet, even harder: mom and dad.   
  
The walk over to mom and dad's seems a lot longer then it used to. Maybe because I was in better shape when I was younger, or maybe because it's a walk I didn't take very often. It takes almost an hour to get there, so when I arrive I'm feeling sweaty, out of breath, and dreading the moment more then ever.   
  
I knock on the door, feeling that mixture of dread and anticipation. My mother opens the door and for a moment stares at me like she doesn't recognize me. Her mouth forms a little 'O', she looks as if she's fumbling for the right thing to say. And then she pulls me into her arms, and she's actually crying. My mother is crying, over me.   
  
"God, we've been so worried about you," she whispers.   
  
Have I stepped into some alternative reality? I must have because I'm passed from my mother to my father, my father who actually hugs me tightly.   
  
"It's good to see you son," he says gruffly.  
  
Something weird is going on. I can see it in both their eyes. There's something going on in this alternative reality that I have yet to discover.   
  
"Where's Doug?" I ask softly. As if in response I hear his laughter coming from the other room. I start towards the room and my mother says something softly.   
  
"Wait, Pace, there's something..."  
  
I don't let her finish. I'm not sure why I'm suddenly so insistent on reaching the room. Maybe because I've never heard laughter quite like that come from him. I turn the corner and that's when I see him.   
  
Remember how I told you I could stand her being with anyone but Dawson? I lied.  



	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the feedback everyone! I still haven't quite figured out how to upload these right. Anyone got any advice? Oh and is there anyway to do italics? I indented in place of italics.  
  
**  
  
Her arms are slung loosely around his neck, their bodies are pressed against eachother, his hands are gently playing with her hair. And she's laughing, this low, almost sexual laugh she has. Her bedroom laugh. My bedroom laugh. As if sensing me, they both stop laughing. His eyes slowly rise to meet mine, as she spins around.  
  
"Pacey," my name leaves both of their lips at the same time. Or maybe his lips, while hers just go through the motions. She takes a step forward, as if she's going to hug me. And then she stops. Doug charges forward, wrapping me in a bear hug.  
  
"God Pace, we've all been so worried about you," he says.   
  
Worried? He calls this worried? He calls being here with my girlfriend worried? I struggle to contain my anger as he finally lets go of me.   
  
"What are you doing back here? Are you back here permanently? Where have you been?" Doug asks, firing question after question after me. Always the cop.   
  
My parents enter the room, large smiles on their faces. Oh God, I feel like I'm trapped in some nightmare. She still hasn't said a word, not one single word to me.  
  
I pretend not to notice as she slides comfortably into the chair that used to be mine. Obviously she eats over here a lot. My mother looks worried as she runs into a kitchen and pulls another table into the room. Joey looks as if she's just realized it's my chair she's sitting in, and whispers something to Doug, who pats her gently on the shoulder. Oh god, I don't need to see this.  
  
My mother has outdone herself with Christmas dinner. Did I forget to mention it was Christmas? That I'd had some demented fantasy of surprising everyone on Christmas and kissing Jo under the mistletoe? Guess someone else gets that honor. I couldn't tell you what food I put in my mouth, it had no taste, no texture, it was just a distraction.  
  
  
"Joey you want to help me with the dishes?" My mom asks, winking at Doug. Subtle mom.   
  
  
Joey nods her head anxiously and disappears from the room. My father glances over at us, "I'm gonna go for a walk."  
  
  
Doug glances over at me as dad leaves the room. "Pace…" he begins.   
  
Ahh yes the inevitable explanation. I meet his eyes, the anger I'm feeling causing my entire body to shake.  
  
"Yes Doug? Please explain. Please explain what you are doing with my girlfriend?" the words slip out before I've had a chance to think about what I'm saying.   
  
  
And what about this Tomorrow land, does it look even remotely bright?   
  
  
He laughs, "Your girlfriend Pacey? You broke up with her. Before you disappeared from our lives. Did you think she'd wait? For 2 ½ years?"  
  
  
  
Joey, I can't be your friend at this particular moment in time but that doesn't mean this is the way I want things to end with us. That's my point. You. Me. Graduation. It doesn't have to be a big finale. Consider the future.   
  
  
How does one answer that? The truth staring you right there in your face. I thought she'd wait. I thought she's wait forever.  
  
  
The future?   
  
  
I was so damn confident. I'd do my thing, she'd do her thing, and in the end we'd find our way back to each other. I never in a million years thought she'd find her way to Doug. I didn't say I felt bad about how I left things between him and me did I? Well if I did, then I take it back.   
  
"Pace?" he asks.  
  
"You had no right Doug. You knew how I felt about her."  
  
"You have no right. You have no clue what's happened since you left."  
  
"Enlighten me." I don't bother to disguise the sarcasm in my voice.  
  
He shakes his head. "It's not my place," he says quietly.   
  
What the hell is that supposed to mean? I glare at him as he continues to give me this sad, pitying look.   
  
"Don't look at me like that," I hear my voice saying tightly.   
  
Doug swallows, speechless, as my mother and Joey enter the room again.   
  
"Doug, we got to get going if we're gonna be ready for tonight," she says softly, her eyes focused completely on him.   
  
Doug turns and looks over at me, and then sighs. "The Leery's Christmas party is tonight. Did you want to come?"  
  
Oh God, just what I need. The Leery's God damn Christmas party. So why the hell am I nodding my head?  
  
"Do you know where you're staying yet?" he asks; insistent on gaining some friendship ground. It'll be a cold day in hell before that happens.  
  
"I hadn't really thought that far ahead. I can just sleep in my boat though."  
  
Oh yes, that got her attention. Her head shot up, and for a moment our eyes met.   
  
  
Speaking hypothetically, if I was lucky enough to own another boat someday and asked the love of my life to go sailing with me, would she?   
  
  
"Oh that's ridiculous," my mother says, interrupting the tension filled moment. "You guys must have room at the B & B?"  
  
  
  
Doug glances at Joey and they share a private conversation with their eyes. You guys? Can this get any worse? Joey nods her head.  
  
  
"We'd love to have you," she says softly. As if she's the victim here. As if she's the one who returned after 2 ½ to find the person she loved with someone else.  
  
  
You wouldn't have to ask   
  
  
I think it's sheer morbid curiosity that allows me to accept their offer. Because hell, if I don't then I'll always wonder.   
  
  
"Why don't you give Pacey a ride back with you Jo? I gotta stop by the station." He kisses her on the cheek, nods towards me and then leaves the room.  
  
  
See ya Pace   
  
  
"You want to head back now?"  
  
  
I don't know which is worse, when she talks to me or when she doesn't. I nod my head and follow her out to her car.   
  
  
See ya Joey  



End file.
